Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
