I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
