Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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