i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i think i have herpe
just one?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
