apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
