just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
