my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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