During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
