I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
