I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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