I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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