I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
