My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
