So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
