Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
