i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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