hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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