You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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