i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
