there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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