Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
