I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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