I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
