Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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