I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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