Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
