the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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