no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
