It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
