I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize