i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize