The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
