One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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