My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
