Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She needs sedatives and a leash
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
