Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
