There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
