is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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