Already got asked if we're dating
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
