So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
