my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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