I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
