I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
