I think im going to throw up on grandma
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
