Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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