Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize