I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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