I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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