After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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