Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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