Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
