1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize