Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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