well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
