Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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