She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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