I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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