why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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