proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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