so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
